The happily ever after fairytale is a wonderful idea, however, the reality is that a happy long-lasting marriage requires constant work, a commitment to compromise and making the decision to choose each other every single day - especially when times get tough. 

Combining two lives into one is not always smooth sailing and arguments are inevitable as you try to sort through what daily life is going to look like. 

The truth is, marriage is not a static thing. It’s constantly changing as you and your spouse grow together and navigate life’s ups and downs. To make it to the rocking chair on the porch, you need two partners committed to each other and the marriage - standing firm through all the trials and difficulties.

Marriage as an institution looks very different to 50 years ago. More and more women are in the workplace, rising costs are crippling, there’s a lack of affordable housing for young couples, and unstable global politics means that financially life is a lot harder now.

This increased stress and pressure has had a marked effect on the mental health of the global population. According to the World Health Organization, 280 million people are living with depression in 2024. When you look at these alarming figures it’s easy to imagine more frequent yelling as stressed out married couples struggle to cope with the demands of modern life.

Why Is My Husband Yelling At Me?

There are a number of reasons why your husband yells, some more serious than others. To help you sort through them, it can be helpful to use an adaptation of the traffic light system in psychology. 

In the green zone, yelling is an occasional occurrence in response to a stressor that is usually short term and manageable. In this zone, yelling is out of character and your husband will make swift and sincere reparations.

In the orange zone, yelling escalates and may start to feel overwhelming. In this zone the reasons for yelling stem from underlying issues that if not adequately addressed will begin to have a negative impact on your relationship.

In the red zone, there is constant yelling. Angry outbursts start to erode your self esteem and you may find yourself in an unsafe situation where there is a real threat to your mental and physical health. In the red zone you feel scared that the verbal and emotional abuse will spill over into domestic violence.

Let’s take a closer look at each zone.

💚 Short Term Stressors That May Lead To An Increase In Your Husband’s Yelling 

During times of intense stress it may happen that you find your husband yelling more than normal. Typically in this zone, your husband is not mad at you, but is upset about something else. We all lose our cool sometimes and snap at the people we love. It is not an excuse, but if your husband is under a lot of pressure, being supportive and sensitive to this and helping him through it will strengthen your marital bond. It hurts to be yelled at, but a loving husband who is temporarily overwhelmed will be doing his best to regulate his anger and take responsibility for his own behavior. Self control may not happen overnight but he will be trying hard to stop yelling.

Some common short term stressors that may lead to raised voices during an argument are:

• Sleep Deprivation - not getting enough sleep has been consistently linked to a range of negative physical and mental symptoms. Sleeping enough is essential to remaining calm during stressful situations.

• Work Stress - if your husband has recently taken on a new role at work with more responsibility the added pressure may result in a shorter fuse. Similarly, losing a job, especially if your husband is the breadwinner, will lead to increased stress.

• Finances - in the current economic climate, financial stress is a huge burden. A man who is responsible for supporting a family may have a lot of extra anxiety related to being able to continuously provide for his family. He may also unconsciously fear losing his job and source of income. This free-floating anxiety may translate into a lower tolerance for frustration and increased anger.

• Moving House/Emigration - These are hugely impactful but temporary high-stress events that may lead to more marital disagreements and arguments.

• Illness/Bereavement - An illness or loss in a family takes a toll on your emotional and mental health. While a trying time, healthy relationships will survive the occasional angry outburst.

The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Coping Skills

Emotion regulation is at the heart of emotional intelligence. Being able to identify, manage and react appropriately to negative emotions is a big indicator of how your husband will behave during times of great stress. Stress is an inevitable part of modern life - there is no escaping it, but developing your emotional intelligence and honing the skills necessary to handle it positively is the key to marital bliss. 

What Can You Do?

Here are some great solutions for when your husband yells in the green zone.

Talk About Your Feelings

A stressed out, yet normally calm husband may not even realize he has been yelling more than usual lately. Calmly talking with him about how you feel and giving him a chance to unload his stress in a safe and non-judgmental space may be all your spouse needs to become aware of his behavior and inspire change. Sammy says that using a shared journal like Waffle makes it easier to share hard thoughts and feelings with her husband.  

Set Firm Boundaries for Communication

You can acknowledge your husband's stress and still set firm boundaries for how you will engage with him when he is angry. 

For example, a ground rule can be that you will discuss anything if he is prepared to speak calmly and you will not engage in the discussion if he will not stop yelling. 

Remain Calm

This is extremely hard in the heat of the moment, but many women add fuel to the fire by yelling back instead of walking away and taking some deep breaths to de-escalate a volatile situation. 

Step Away and Suggest Talking Later

Time outs are not just for toddlers! Walking away when your husband yells will give you both time to engage in some emotion regulation and reconvene to discuss the issue once you are both calm.

Evaluate Your Listening Skills

Are you really listening to your husband? Does he feel seen, heard and understood? Sometimes people raise their voices because they simply don’t feel that you are hearing them. A good tactic is to listen attentively and then mirror back what your husband has said. This communicates to your husband that you really get it. This is hugely helpful in getting an upset person to calm down enough to talk productively.

Spend Time Together 

This seems like a no-brainer, but in the hustle and bustle of busy modern life, this is one of the first things to fall away. Set ground rules for a regular date night. This doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate - it's more about being intentional and being fully present with your partner, laughing, relaxing, and connecting deeply. 

A great way to add an extra depth to your quality time together is to document it. Amber credits the Waffle Journal for helping her and her husband build a strong foundation in their marriage through the simple act of recording the highs and lows of their life together in a shared space. Reflecting back on these memories helps you to build a deep sense of gratitude for your partner and relationship.

🧡 More Serious Reasons For Frequent Yelling

If you find yourself asking “why does my husband yell at me?”, then this indicates a more serious problem that needs attention.

When yelling becomes a frequent occurrence or default response to hard conversations or daily frustrations, it’s time to dig a little deeper into the whys.

In the orange zone, the reasons are more deeply ingrained into who your husband is and will require more hard work and dedication to resolve them.

Childhood Experiences

If your husband grew up in a home where his parents did not model healthy communication skills or effective conflict resolution, it is likely that this will spill over into how he handles challenges with you. This is a learned behavior that can be unlearned by seeking professional support. 

A Lack of Communication Skills

Some men really struggle to communicate their feelings effectively in intimate relationships. The good news is that being vulnerable and open about how you feel is a skill that can be developed with practice. 

A great way to start sharing intimately with your husband is to introduce him to a shared journal where he can write his innermost thoughts. Nate enjoys using Waffle because he says it has opened up a whole new avenue of communication with his wife. Once comfortable with journaling, you can slowly work towards face-to-face sharing.

Unintentional Negative Reinforcement

If you regularly give in when your husband yells, you may inadvertently be reinforcing the behavior. Set boundaries for respect and stick to them because nobody should feel entitled to treat you disrespectfully in your own home and that includes your hubby.

There is an old saying - “You teach people how to treat you”, so be firm in setting the tone around your self worth. 

Past Relationship Wounds

A man who has suffered through cheating and heartbreak may have a more fragile self worth. Alternatively, he may have been in relationships where mutual yelling was the means of communication.

Either way it’s up to you to establish ground rules around how you would like to be treated. In return you can help to build up his self esteem so that he feels safe with you through words of affirmation.

A Mental Health Disorder

Abusive spouses often suffer with mental health disorders where anger and verbal aggression is a symptom. This is incredibly hard to live with even knowing that it isn’t your partner's fault. Setting boundaries around professional support and medication to lessen the severity of the symptoms is an important step to ensure the emotional well being of both of you. 

Some common disorders like depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, schizophrenia, ADHD, and some personality disorders can all result in unpredictable moods which make a husband yell more. 

The Need For Control 

Some men enjoy power. They may use intimidation tactics and verbal attacks to exert their control over you.

• Misogyny - Some men simply believe women are inferior. This can be a cultural belief, a societal pressure or stem from a childhood home where the father figure was dominant. 

• Societal Pressure - Some men buy into the stereotypes of traditional gender roles and find it hard to change that perception. Some men buy into toxic masculinity as well and when these two factors are combined it can set the stage for constant yelling if you don’t comply.

• Jealous/Insecure - Men struggle with self worth issues too - if a man feels insecure in his role as provider he may try to overcompensate with yelling to regain a sense of control.

Your Husband’s Own Guilt and Shame

Sometimes a husband’s yelling is an outward reflection of inner guilt and shame over having had an affair or being on the brink of engaging in an inappropriate relationship. 

What Can You Do?

These orange zone issues are warning signs that you should never ignore because if your husband does not work to learn how to control his anger, over time it could set the stage for emotional abuse. There are some solutions to work through these issues if both you and your husband are willing to make the effort to save your marriage.

Individual Therapy

It's a great idea to encourage your partner to seek out mental health support to help him work through any childhood, self esteem, or mental health issues that could be impacting your ability to live in harmony. 

Getting help has become far more accessible now that the online therapy space is so well developed. Chatting with someone online may add an extra layer of comfort that makes a reluctant husband willing to give therapy a try.

Here are some additional resources to help you find the right therapist for your needs:

• Online Therapy Directory

• Therapy Directory

Couples Counseling

Going to couples counseling is a great way to enhance the well being of a strained relationship. Here you can unlearn dysfunctional communication habits together and usher in a new era of support and understanding between you and your hubby. 

Healthy Communication Techniques for a Happy Marriage

Learning constructive communication techniques for difficult topics is essential to the longevity of your union. Ranita says that using the Waffle shared journal has been a game changer in working through problems with her hubby without getting caught up in the heat of the moment. 

Here are some top communication tips to make journaling even more effective: 

• Use “I” Statements - Saying things like “I feel hurt when you yell” is more productive than “You’re always yelling and hurting my feelings”. This simple reframe reduces defensiveness and encourages open communication. Sentences starting with “You always” or “You never” are emotion dumps that rarely lead to a productive resolution of the problem.

• Listen Actively - Repeat back to your partner what you have understood about what they have shared. This ensures no misunderstandings can derail communication.

• Learning the Art of Compromise - Sometimes you simply have to agree to disagree and work towards middle ground to solve a problem amicably.

• Practice Empathy - Try to see things from your husband’s perspective. Openly validate his feelings around challenging situations. The feeling of anger is always OK, the resulting behaviors are not always. 

• Apologize - Never underestimate the power of a heartfelt apology when you’ve made a mistake. “Hey, I messed up and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you”, is a simple statement that can make a world of difference.

Nurture Your Support Network

It’s so easy to get sucked into the bubble of marriage and forget to make time for friends and other family members. When you are dealing with a husband who yells, taking time for self care is essential to your well being. 

Moreover, if the yelling ever escalates to the point of verbal abuse where you need to leave, having a strong support system will ensure you always have a place to go and people willing to help you. 

Take Time Apart

Sometimes for the sake of your mental health you need to create emotional distance. Hitting pause on your marital relationship to take some time to re-evaluate your future together may be just the thing to get your hubby to seek help in controlling his anger. This emotional distance need not be permanent, but sometimes walking away for a brief period is the reminder you both need of how much you love each other and want to make things work. 

❤️‍🔥 Red Flag Reasons 

Domestic abuse is a growing problem across the globe. This abuse takes the form of both domestic violence and emotional abuse. Verbal abuse is so much harder to identify especially when you are living in the middle of it and accordingly a lot of women get sucked into the belief that they are somehow to blame for a personal attack from their significant other. 

Let’s take a closer look.

Physical Violence

If your husband gets physical with you in any way during an argument, this is classified as domestic violence. It’s natural to feel shock, shame, or guilt when this happens and women often blame themselves for physical domestic abuse. But no matter what you have done you do not need to tolerate abuse of this nature. 

A man who has been physically violent with you will often repeat this behavior, especially if you stay. If your husband has hurt you, it is essential that you both get the help you need in order to heal. Staying in a marriage where your husband regularly harms you is not only physically scarring but will erode your emotional well being too. 

Emotional Abuse

Often harder to spot as it tends to develop slowly over time, emotional abuse can take its toll on a marriage. If your husband regularly engages in name calling, put downs, excessive criticism of your actions and clothes, or comments negatively about your body, then you are also a victim of domestic abuse.

But how do you know when yelling has crossed the line to emotional abuse?

Here are some telltale emotional abuse warning signs:

• You feel bullied - you can do nothing right. Everything you do invites criticism.

• He belittles you, mocks you, disparages you - name calling is common during put downs and he tells you that you're worthless.

• He threatens to hurt you or physically intimidates you.

• He excessively controls where you go and who you see and flies into unreasonable jealous rages.

• He blames you for his outbursts.

Drug and Alcohol Addiction

Domestic violence and abuse is more common in homes where there are drug and alcohol addiction issues. Using substances regularly lowers your inhibitions and alters your brain chemistry leading to anger, outbursts, and abuse where effective coping mechanisms are absent.

What Can You Do?

Substance Abuse Counseling and Rehab

It is essential to get a drug and alcohol addicted husband the professional support he needs to overcome his dependence on substances. It is a long road to walk, but you cannot save a marriage to an addict if they don’t do the work to get better. 

Create a Safety Plan

If you are living with a volatile husband, it is essential that you develop a safety plan in the event an argument escalates into domestic violence. 

This means confiding in a friend, neighbor, or family member that you trust who will answer the phone at any time if you are in danger. Your safety plan should also include having a pre-organized place to go in the event that you become a victim of domestic violence (this is especially true if you have children).  

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline

It’s a sad thing that domestic violence has reached such a level in modern society that there are 24 hour hotlines that operate to support victims of violence and abuse. 

If you Google “national domestic violence hotline”, you will get a plethora of resources at your fingertips that can be lifesaving in an emergency. If you feel you may be in danger, be sure to have the details for your local organization on hand for quick help when you need it. 

Last Thoughts 

Living with a yeller is no fun - being yelled at constantly erodes trust, impacts intimacy, and can lead to long-lasting mental health concerns. 

You know your husband and your situation better than anyone, so always trust your gut when it comes to your safety, especially when you have children to think of. 

Never doubt your worth and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you like the queen you are!